Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E5: Golf Cart Injuries

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeAccording to ABC, there is SO MUCH Bachelor drama this week that we need two episodes!

The one tonight is three hours long!

I may need to have my liver enzymes checked after this week…

I mean…

A woman slams a drink while looking panicked

When we left off last week all the women hated Peter, and he looked like he was ready to run away, fake his own death, and create a new life for himself.

Instead Peter pulls Alayah aside and tells her she has “an amazing heart,” but that it’s time for her to go. He walks her out and then tells the other women he’s imperfect and makes bad choices sometimes. He acknowledges that bringing Alayah back and sending her home could be seen as “wishy-washy.”

So then the dramatic music starts because it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Deandra, Savannah and Kiarra go home.

Everyone goes to Costa Rica. Fun fact, bar gvzr Nznaqn naq Fnenu unq gb erpnc na rcvfbqr orpnhfr V jnf va Pbfgn Evpn. Gurl qvq abg yvxr vg.

(Ed. note: No. No, I did not. It still haunts me.)

Kelley, keeping it real, says she loves to travel, has been to 26 countries, and while she’s interested in Peter, he’s dating several other women so she’s “looking to have fun.”

Peter lands at the hotel in a helicopter and the women notice he’s got stitches on his forehead. He tells them he was attacked by a puma while on a hike. Then he’s like “hahahah no I hit my head on a golf cart.”

Peter points to his ouchie

What actually happened was that Peter was trying to load his suitcase into a golf cart while holding a glass, and banged his head on the roof of the cart.  The glass broke, he cut himself, and he needed 22 stitches.

I’m just picturing someone on the production team being like “FOR FUCK’S SAKE PETER, WE’VE GONE 24 SEASONS WITHOUT AN OSHA REPORTABLE INCIDENT!”

Click to see the footage

Peter biffs it on a golf cart

The first one-on-one date goes to Sydney. They picnic in the jungle and Peter says that Sydney “has a mysteriousness about her, and I’m excited to take that mysteriousness away.”

The first thing that popped into my mind

Mysterio from Spiderman Far From Home says I don't want any part of this

The word is mystery, Peter. Mystery.

Between this and the fact that he can’t operate a suitcase and wine glass at the same time, I’m kinda worried that they let this guy fly planes with other people in them.

Peter asks Sydney if she’s cool with scars and she says, “I’m cool with scars. I have them all over me.” Then she sips champagne and doesn’t explain that statement at all.

I’m hoping she’s either part of a secret underground fight club or a highly-paid international assassin.

Then Peter tells her she’s the best kisser. She leans in to kiss him and headbutts his golf cart wound.

Peter and Sydney kiss

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Sydney reveals that she was raised by a single mom and was bullied for being biracial.

Also I think she has Mountain Dew in her wine glass.

Back at the hotel, Kelsey is crying again. IDEK why anymore. She calls Sydney a fake bitch and is mad she got the one-on-one date.

The group date is next and the women are doing a photoshoot with Peter. The winner will wind up on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

They model swimsuits, but also have to wear bright blue Crocs, presumably for sexiness as well as orthopedic comfort.

Peter and three of the women model swimwear and Crocs against a jungle background

Victoria F is declared the winner. In a letter released yesterday, Cosmo editor Jessica Pels, explained that they decided not to run the cover because it turns out Victoria F had previously modeled “White Lives Matter” merchandise. Pels stated that White Lives Matter does not match the values of Cosmopolitan.

It was also reported that the clothing was for “Marlin Lives Matter” and the slogans were “White Lives Matter” and “Blue Lives Matter,” referring to the white and blue marlin which are listed as in vulnerable status, but Pels addresses this head on, “the nature of the organization is neither here nor there–both phrases and the belief systems they represent  are rooted in racism and are therefore problematic.”

First of all, applause to Cosmo, and to Pels’ message.

Peter has since responded, “[Victoria]’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, no one’s perfect.”

I wonder how the women of color that are on the show would feel about that statement? Especially when Peter was so sympathetic to Sydney’s story of being bullied for being biracial?

I’m just so disgusted. Not surprised. Just disgusted.

Where the fuck do they even find the people to be on this show? The reality show contestant pool must be very shallow, too warm, and rampantly breeding bacteria.

We cut back to the cocktail party portion of the group date. Kelsey tells Peter that she’s falling in love with him. Then Tammy tells him how Kelsey cried by the pool for three hours because he’s dating other women. He asks to talk to Kelsey again and we know where all this goes…

Click for me

A little girl is sleeping and holding onto the post of a mini carousel. She's dragged around in a circle

So Kelsey tells him she’s not mentally unstable, she just cries all the time because she loves him so much, I guess? Then she marches back over to the other women and demands to know who told him she was having a breakdown. She then suggests the other women are withholding their emotions too much.

“You were upset over a bottle of champagne for four days!” Tammy says.

Tammy is confused

In the end, Hannah Ann gets the group date rose.

The next one-on-one date goes to Kelley. They go to a building set up in the jungle where they go through a cleansing smoke ritual. Peter worries that he’s giving more in their relationship than Kelley. He thinks she isn’t “trying hard enough.”

Then Kelley is blindfolded and Peter has to guide her through a maze of stones.

If I’m getting into a labyrinth, Jareth the Goblin King better be fucking waiting for me at the end, not Peter.

Back the hotel Kelsey confronts Tammy about telling Peter she’s unstable. Tammy doubles down on Kelsey being a drunken, sobbing mess. Kelsey responds by crying again.

Tammy confronts Kelsey

At the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Peter asks Kelley about being more reserved. I think Kelley is just the only one who hasn’t bought into this BS. Kelley pivots and tells Peter he rewards drama, and she questions if he’s ready for a committed relationship.

Oh snap

A cat opens it's mouth like it's saying Ohhhhhh

I like to think that Kelley is about 100x smarter than Peter and is gonna milk this for as much travel as possible.

Despite all that, he gives Kelley the date rose. They go make out under a waterfall for awhile.

The next day Kelsey shows up at Peter’s hotel room. She tells him she wasn’t upset Sydney was on the date with him and that wasn’t why she was crying. If you scroll back up, you can see that this is totally  not the truth. She then says that Tammy is telling people she has a drinking problem and that she pops pills (if Tammy said the last part, we didn’t hear it).

Peter tells her he doesn’t need a rose ceremony to tell Kelsey how he feels and HE PULLS A LONG STEMMED ROSE FROM HIS BACK POCKET.

At least we think it’s his pocket? It’s like a weird magic trick that no one wants to see performed.

Rich: Did he pull that rose out of his asshole?

…maybe?

Kelsey tells the other women he gave her the rose and it’s awkward.

Kelsey tells the other women Peter gave her a rose

Then the women get ready for the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, but Chris Harrison emerges from a tropical mist and tells them we’re going straight to rose.

STRAIGHT TO ROSE PEOPLE

A minion from Despicable Me wears three flashing sirens on its head

Chris then explodes into a swarm of bats and disappears into the night.

All of the women are pissed at Kelsey, especially McKenna who hasn’t had any alone time with Peter yet. Also this means less free booze.

 

Left to right: Lexi, Sydney and Natasha are mad

There’s a whole bunch of debate about who said Kelsey was popping pills, and since nothing was said on air, I have no idea who, if anyone, brought it up. Lexi claims it was Tammy.

Kelsey confronts Tammy about talking about her having a drinking issue. For the record, Kelsey has seemed way less drunk than many previous contestants, at least on camera. Tammy also says Kelsey has “alcoholic tendencies” which seems like a pretty big jump and something she’s not qualified to say.

The other women are fed up with the Tammy/ Kelsey situation and there’s a lot of shouting. So much shouting. Tammy calls Sydney a diva. Sydney says Tammy is a psycho.

At one point McKenna sobs, “I’m so tired. I’m so exhausted.”

Girl, same.

(Ed. note: Me, three. And all these names ending in “ee” sounds are confusing me.)

Then we get the scary music and The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, but before they can start Tammy asks to talk to Peter.

McKenna starts crying again.

Tammy tells Peter she hopes he doesn’t think she’s malicious. Then McKenna walks over and “steals” him from Tammy.

“Glad you guys had your mini cocktail party,” Lexi snaps.

Peter asks the women to trust him. He starts passing out roses. I’m ready to pass out, period.

Shiann and Lexi go home.

What do you think of all the drama? Are you watching? Don’t forget to come back Friday for more of this…whatever this is.

 

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