Before we get started, I want to go over two things.
Firstly, like I said in a comment to my last post, I have been going over the footage of Peter slicing his forehead open in a golf cart incident like it’s the goddamned Zapruder film. It still makes no sense. Did he hit the glass on the roof of the golf cart? I don’t think so…but how does a glass break like that from headbutting it? Why is he holding the glass that close to his head anyway? Is his head abnormally dense? I think we know the answer to this…
Click for the footage
Secondly, I apologize for missing this last episode, but apparently ABC made some modesty edits to the women’s swimsuits with what appears to be MS Paint…
Anyway, the episode opens in Santiago, Chile. MyKenna starts crying three seconds in because she has feelings for Peter. Victoria F calls MyKenna a “sad wet dog on the side of the road” and says her interrupting the Dreaded Rose Ceremony last episode was disrespectful.
The first one-on-one date goes to Hannah Ann. She and Peter explore Santiago. She admits she’s never been in love before.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Peter asks Hannah Ann what she wants from her future.
“So with modeling, like, I’d like to do it as long as I can. I mean, it’s not necessarily a job, it’s more just broadening myself. So many people stay, like, in the shallow waters of life and you’ll only catch minnows in the shallow waters. And for me, I’m like, let’s go deep,” she says.
She then tells Peter she dated the same guy for three years but they weren’t in love.
Peter steps away to think because he’s worried Hannah Ann isn’t ready for a real relationship and she starts crying. She tells him she’s starting to fall in love with him, and he gives her the date rose.
Rich points out that Peter will give a rose to whoever tells him she’s “starting” to fall for him and confirms she’s there for the “right reasons.” She could literally be having sex with another man, while telling Peter she loves him, and he would give her the rose. We speculate that if a used car salesman told Peter he loved him, Peter would buy that car.
Back at the hotel MyKenna learns she’s on the next group date and the other one-on-one date is going to Victoria F (her second). She starts crying and says she wants to go home. She sticks it out and the next day they all go to a studio where they will film a telenovela.
Peter says he used to watch telenovelas with his grandma.
It’s excruciating to watch them try and act. Peter is terrible. Kelsey is terrible. She just says things flatly and quietly. Kelley tries to do a Chilean accent and I’m cringing. Peter makes out with all the women. Maybe the next date will be discussing germ transmission.
Then Chris Harrison comes out in a fake mustache and hams it up.
Is it just me or does that mustache look like a cat turd?
During the cocktail party Victoria P sits on Peter’s lap and asks to talk to him. She felt that she recoiled when Peter “questioned her heart” with regards to honesty about her friendship with Alayah.
Peter tells her that he thinks she’s more comfortable in their relationship that he is. She starts freaking out.
“I don’t know if I see you as my wife,” he says. “I’m so sorry.”
She gets pissed off and tells him that she hopes he’s making the right decisions and she’s worried for him. He tries to say he’s sorry and she says, “No, you don’t apologize to me.” She starts crying.
Peter asks her if he can walk her out and she says, “I don’t need you to walk me out.” She leaves without talking to him while he follows and calls her name. He does get an extremely awkward hug before she gets into the Limo of Tears.
In the car, Victoria P cries and says that she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with Peter.
You’re better off, honey. Trust me.
Back on the drinking couch, Tammy tells MyKenna that she lives in a fantasy world and she pretends. She asks MyKenna if she’s ready for a real relationship.
Then Tammy accuses MyKenna of acting like a child and Kelsey says, “She doesn’t act like a child.”
“I’m not talking to you, Kelsey,” Tammy snaps.
Then we get the best reaction GIF ever from Natasha.
Click for Natasha
Kelsey tells Tammy that she says things that are untrue and hurtful.
“My opinions can be true to me,” Tammy says, “and again, Kelsey, I wasn’t talking to you.”
In a cutaway Natasha points out that Tammy starts shit with other girls on the days she knows she’ll see Peter, and Natasha thinks she’s just trying to get other women eliminated.
When they are alone, Peter tells MyKenna that he doesn’t doubt her intentions.
Next up is Victoria F’s second one-on-one date with Peter. They meet up with a huaso who shows them how to train horses.
Peter tells the camera that he’s extremely attracted to Victoria F and feels like things between them are really passionate.
Later she cries because Peter is dating other women. Have none of these contestants actually seen this show before?
During dinner Peter tells Victoria F that he’s worried she’s putting up walls.
“It’s just you and me,” Peter says. “You can tell me.”
Just you, me, the camera crew, the makeup people, the lighting people, the sound people, some PA’s and presumably Chris Harrison standing in the corner breathing heavily.
Also Peter is really red and Rich and I debate if he’s drunk, sunburned or just ate some bad shellfish. Maybe his head wound is infected?
Victoria F says that maybe she’s not cut out for this and that maybe Peter would be better off with one of the other contestants. Peter asks her if she wants to be there and she says yes. He asks her to be vulnerable and she says, “Okay, like I get it, Peter. I feel like I’m going to throw up.” She gets up and goes to the bathroom.
A camera films her talking behind a stall door (not even kidding) where she says she’s frustrated and feels physically ill.
Update: I think a PA is also in the stall with her.
Victoria F starts crying. $10 says Chris Harrison is trying to get in that stall too.
We get a commercial, then Victoria F emerges from the bathroom stall and hugs Peter. Victoria F says she wishes she knew what her issues were so Peter didn’t have to deal with them.
Peter gives her the date rose.
So I have a theory. This season it seems like all of the women get up from the table with the food they aren’t allowed to eat and go off into a corner to cry. What if they aren’t crying, but rather have snacks squirreled away in the venue? Think about it. You’re staring at a plate of food you can’t eat. Your blood sugar is low. I get weepy when my blood sugar is low.
Maybe Victoria F wasn’t crying in the bathroom. Maybe that’s where she hid her hummus and veggies. Maybe she and the PA and Chris Harrison where squished together in that stall, scarfing down granola bars and energy drinks.
I’m gonna be on the lookout for Cheeto fingers whenever the ladies come back from a “cry” for the rest of the season.
Then it’s the next day and the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party.
So then, because the producers are evil, Peter says he wants to talk to MyKenna and Tammy.
Everyone sits awkwardly on a drinking couch. Peter says he is being “blunt and honest” and needs to know what’s going on with the two of them.
Tammy tells Peter that MyKenna is trying to build her brand and Tammy is “only here for you, Peter.” Then she tells him that MyKenna packed her bags before the group date.
Tammy tells the camera that she’s wearing black because it’s MyKenna’s funeral.
Click for me
MyKenna tells Peter that Tammy is twisting things to make her look bad and that she wants to fight for him.
There’s more fighting between MyKenna and Tammy and I just…
This is going on too long
In the end, Peter walks Tammy out. I have to say that I’m more than a little bothered that ABC is making a WOC out to be a villain while a doe-eyed blonde is the misunderstood victim.
Tammy tells the camera that she thinks Peter is looking for a trophy wife.
Peter spends time with the other women. The makeup department, trying to cover up Peter’s possible cellulitis, has caked so much makeup on him that he looks orange and really dry.
Eventually Chis Harrison walks into the room and taps a butter knife on a champagne flute to get everyone’s attention despite the fact that he’s five feet away from them and also they all silently watched him walk in the room.
During the Dreaded Rose Ceremony they light a brick wall behind Peter with a neon purple light and it looks like Halloween décor. They add quena music on top of the scary string “Zales commercial” music we normally get to remind us we’re in South America.
In the end Sydney and MyKenna both go home. MyKenna looks crushed and I don’t blame her. He really led her on. Peter is such a nutsack.
Anyway that’s it. I’m going to reward myself for two Bachelor episodes this week by spending the weekend in a blanket fort with my cats, books and rum.
Are you watching? What’s your theory on the snacks?